My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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