I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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