I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
