Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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