ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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