my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
