Don't make out with my wife yet
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dick very happy bro
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
