My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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