Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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