Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
