She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize