Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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