Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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