Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
