i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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