i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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