If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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