if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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