I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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