What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
