I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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