In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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