He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
