Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i was born a porn star she said
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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