Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
