How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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