hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
