I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we're making bets on your personal life
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
