I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
