Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
