Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
