I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
