Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
