Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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