I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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