You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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