I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
