My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize