I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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