I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
