Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
