and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
