What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
