Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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