My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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