Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
