Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
