i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
