what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize