Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
