The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
