I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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