I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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