omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
