I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
