i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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