I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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