Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
