I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize