blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
