All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
