My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize