Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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