Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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