I will die if light touches me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
