I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
