we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i think my cat just said my name.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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