so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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