Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize