pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
