did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
