Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
