Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
